Good. But not good enough these days. We live in a new society, as different from the one in which our parents grew up as the computer is different from the typewriter. And the realities of this new society require a new approach to the old concepts of civility. We communicate in new, fast and sometimes jarring ways. The new world of sex and dating is more open but, at the same time, more sensitive than ever before. Family relationships are often more complex, and there are new rules for relating to stepparents and stepchildren, biological and adoptive parents, same-sex couples, and unmarried couples. The shrinking globe and instant communication systems mean that we are called upon more often to respond to difficult situations involving cultural clashes and racial and ethnic diversity. It is a world keyed to speed, skills acquisition, and an “I am my resumé” mentality, where good manners, civility, and etiquette are more important than ever before. Whether or not it’s unfair, people will make a character judgment about you based on how you handle social situations. This can be a crucial factor when your superiors make decisions about how far or how high you can go in an organization. And the rules of etiquette, new and old, must be learned. Once, these rules were learned at home, often around the dinner table. Well, families don’t gather around the dinnner table as regularly or as formally as they once did, and parents in the everybody-works world have little time to conduct lessons in deportment. Even those who have had a good grounding in eitquette need some updating in this rapidly changing world. You do not know these things instinctively, no matter how smart you are. Somebody has to teach you. Somebody had to teach me.

Whatever their source-our svelte new figure, our rousing speech, our fabulous meal-compliments lift us, honor us, and validate our choices and effort. A compliment is a two-way gift that  benifits the giver and recipient alike.Compliments are always social proper, if sincerely extended and kept appropriate to context. (More on this later) If someone always looks great, tell him or her. If someone is always efficient, acknowledge that. Compliments can break the ice with a stranger, defuse stress, life spirits, or tighten a bond. The right words at the right time can motivate, comfort, reward, validate, and inspire. However, compliments are not the same as ‘flattery’. Flattery is insincere and excessive. Superfluous compliments are annoying and make others feel as though the giver “expected a receipt,” lamented one writer. “Be sincere, specific, unqualified NEVER COMPARE.”

CRITICIZE ME, and I may not like you.
Whether you deserve it or not, you will be the subject of criticism at one point or another in your life. Be ready. If the criticism is justified, accept it and treat it as a problem that needs to be resolved. Acknowledge that you have a challenge ahead of you and make it clear to the person who pointed out the shortcoming that you intend to address it. If you believe that the criticism is unjustified or delivered harshly or publicly, you have every right to react in a different way. However, if you get angry and start shooting back, you will end up saying things you ill regretand so will the person who offered the criticism in the first place. In this situation it is usually best to put off discussing the matter: “Let’s talk about this when we’re both a little calmer” or “We ought to get together and work this out. What’s a good time for you?” If someone says something critical about you in the presence of others, you can try “freezing” your critic by stoppping whatever you are doing or saying and looking the person dead in the eye for a moment. Or you can say something like “Very little good comes of criticizing in public. Please tell me your objections (or problem) in private.” If you’re not sure that the criticism is justified or if you need time to think it over, you can say, “I’m glad you’re letting me know what’s on your mind. I’d like to tihnk about it and get back to you.” If you know you’ve goofed, it’s sometimes best to just say, “I apologize,” and that’s all. Depending on the situation, something more may be required: “I never intended to (embarrass, upset, offend) you, but I can see that I did, and I’m sorry.” But don’t whine, don’t grovel, and don’t make excuses or try to shift the blame.

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