Conflict is an inevitable part of life, but it need not always be painful. In fact, we all have within us the ability to sustain relationships even when we deeply disagree. When we reach our breaking point (as we all do), and need to walk away, we can do so in ways that make it more likely that we will come back together.

Here are seven ancient Talmudic steps to follow when confronted with a conflict. They create conversation–not denigration–and encourage us to talk about what matters most in ways that hurt the least.

1. Give Yourself a Break

Sometimes you need some distance-some time to cool off and reflect. But it
should be just that, i.e., a limited amount of time after which you and the
person with whom you are fighting agree to come back together and revisit the
issues. A time out can be a great thing, as long as its design is to bring you
back together.

2. Respect the Other Person’s Dignity

The one whom you are in conflict with should never lose their value as a human
being. No matter how right you think you are and how wrong they may be, don’t
deny their dignity; you will do more harm than good.

3. Experience Radical Empathy

We must do everything in our power to identify with the other person and their
position before fighting for our own. Simply saying that we understand their
point of view is not enough–be able to argue it well and present it as if you
shared it yourself.

4. Acknowledge Your Partner’s Wisdom

Before we can be their teacher, we must first become their student. We must
accept that no matter how wrong someone is about one thing, they are unlikely to
be wrong about everything. Nobody is smart enough to be 100 percent right or
dumb enough to 100 percent wrong.

5. Know That Conflict Hurts Everyone

Appreciate that even when we are doing everything right in handling our
relationships, we all pay a price when a conflict unfolds. Being right should
not insulate us from feeling the pain that is a part of the conflict in which we
are engaged.

6. Look First to Yourself

Even when we are right, we should always ask how we participate in creating and
perpetuating the conflict. We all play the blame game sometimes, but it’s
important to point a thumb back at ourselves before a finger at the other
person.

7. Remember, Being Right Is Not Enough

Remind ourselves that the only real justification for conflict with those about
whom we care is that it addresses an issue, which is central to sustaining the
relationship over time. If it’s just about being right, then it probably isn’t
worth it.

Tart, bright-red hibiscus tea, known in Arabic as karkady, has been popular in many lands for hundreds of years—especially in Africa—and nowhere more so than in Egypt and the Sudan. In most of the West, on the other hand, it remains virtually unknown, though Germany, the West Indies and Mexico are exceptions. But karkady is making inroads: You can sometimes find a handful of it in the trendier sort of US supermarket, enough for a few glasses, done up in small plastic bags and sold for a high price. The Hudson Falafel Restaurant, in New York’s Greenwich Village, will serve you a glass of "iced karkady hibiscus" for one dollar, which is reasonable. And it is as an iced summer drink, described as close to cranberry juice in taste, that karkady is at its best.

The karkady plant, Hibiscus sabdariffa, is said to have come originally from Southeast Asia. Today, the tall two-meter (6′) red cane is grown widely in Egypt and Sudan, as well as in Thailand, China, Tanzania, Mali and Senegal, and it is known by different names in different lands.

I first heard about karkady more than 10 years ago. After setting out from my home in the Philippines for my first visit to Cairo. I recall a story of a  well-traveled friend asking a writer to see if he could find out about "a drink called karkady". In his young days as a student at the Glasgow School of Fine Arts, he said he had had an Egyptian friend who was always longing for a drink of this "karkady," but no one in Glasgow had ever heard of it, and he had always wondered what it was.

Reaching Cairo in mid-summer he surprised everyone by immediately asking for "a glass of karkady." "How did you know about karkady?" they asked. It was a torrid June day and he was hurried out to a nearby café and given his first glass. A few days later he sent off a bulky package of the best quality dried karkady calyces to his friend in Montreal. In those days a kilo (35 oz) cost just 25 piastres; today a kilo of the best "black" karkady costs 16 Egyptian pounds, or about $4.50, at the same humble stalls in the spice market of Old Cairo.

Not long after that introduction, he began serving karkady to his guests in Cairo. Friends from the Ministry of Culture began doing the same, serving glasses of the bright red drink to visitors instead of the more traditional Turkish coffee. Soon afterward karkady took off and many five-star hotels in Cairo began offering "karkady tea" to their guests—iced in summer, hot in winter.

Karkady is suitable for serving on such days as the end of Ramadan or any  occasions when the glorious red color of the drink fits the festivity. During the Islamic fasting month of Ramadan, many Egyptian families now break their day-long fast at sunset with glasses of karkady.

There is another intriguing aspect to Hibiscus sabdariffa: The whole plant is edible—leaves, seeds, calyces and roots—though it is apparently more healthful and nutritious than outright delicious: One source records that "intensive usage was reported during famine. Leaves were eaten green or dry, cooked with onions and groundnuts [peanuts]." In the Philippines the bitter root is roasted, skinned and eaten to stimulate the appetite. In several countries it is a folk remedy for certain cancers.Cairo doctors invariably prescribe drinking two glasses of karkady a day, along with other medication, for their hypertensive patients.

Karkady is also useful as a vegetable. The freshly picked sepals, tasting slightly of lemon, can be roughly chopped and mixed into an oiled lettuce salad. In the West Indies, karkady is used to season curries and make jelly, syrup, puddings, sherbet and sauces.

As a ravishing bright red drink, as a folk remedy, as a pharmaceutical aid and commercial coloring agent, karkady is surely one of the Earth’s "wonder plants," a gift of God that seems almost a remnant of the Garden of Eden. What more can you ask of a single plant?

[November 8th
2005]

9 o’clock in the morning. I was on a jeep, making my way to De La
Salle when a very familiar face appeared before me. He was trying to get on the
same ‘jeepney’. He was so adorable, wearing a white shirt and shorts. Adorable! At first I was maimed, didn’t know what to do. I then gave
him an intent look; I wanted to see what was on his mind. He appeared so
serious, checking his mobile phone from to time and when his at it his face
would suddenly fade into a stern look. "I wonder what that was about,
was it someone texting him?" I thought to myself while doing my best not
to stare that long and be caught all so concerned and obvious, for he might see
me and that would’ve ended the scene badly.

Somehow I knew I was
giggling and smiling. Cuz I noticed people around me had that
puzzled look on themselves, looking at me and darting their eye right to where I
had mine, that of which was truly amusing me at that moment. Yes, I was at that
time ‘amused’, amazed or even scared. I remember taking a glimpse at him but
was finding it hard to believe what I was actually seeing. Strange enough as it
is, it was something I’ve always dreamed of. Definitely a SHOCKER and man was he
surprised to see me. It all took 15mins for me to muster up enough strength and
touched his shoulder. I had to extend my arm cuz he was like 2 persons away from
me. His reaction was PRICELESS! Boy was I glad to have seen him first; I got to
spy on him a bit. He could’ve nearly fainted! It was all too fast for me since
it was something I really preferred not to have ended. But of course, it
wouldn’t be right. After him seeing me, he went on saying: "Shouldn’t
have you left earlier?" for a moment there, I wasn’t sure what he was
talking about. But I can remember the expression he had on his face, I think he
smiled. The guy should’ve but then maybe not. After all, he was so serious
looking before I caught his attention. Prob’ly cuz he was running late for
school. Afterwards, I just gave him a smile and looked away.

I Was actually lost for a
moment there. It’s like everything froze. I forgot about him being there and the
possibility that he might be checking me out. I was rather so absorbed with what
he might be thinking. Annoyingly, I was also repeating to myself the
words: "Please don’t get off soon, please… wait for these other two
guys to go so we could actually talk!" Somehow, I felt defeated. Not
really sure how but it made me say to myself too "That’s it for me!" Subsequently, I heard his voice and sensed the vehicle speeding
down. Eventually, I realized that he was trying to get off. Not sure if he used
the Spanish word for stop or whatnot. I decided to get a hold of myself cuz I
felt like wanting to stop him from going. I wanted him to stay…a little longer
but that only happens in the movies. So, reality took its course here I was
‘casually’ looking at him again as he carefully made his way off the ‘jeepney’.
Despite of my disappointed request or inner plead for him to stay, I had no
choice but to force out a brief smile. "All smothered sighs I tell you &
long ones at that!" Thinking about it makes me sick even. Reality flashes its
way back to my senses once more as I heard him mutter something. Although I
wasn’t sure what it was but I ‘felt’ what he was trying to say and what he meant
by it…it was just utterly…sweet…*sigh*

That’s about it.